All this time you stood right in front of me. Right before my eyes and I looked but I didn't really see you. If I could go back, I would have saw you sooner. Time has passed and it took me years to realize it has been you...it has been you, all along.
Now I close my eyes and see you. I go to sleep and you're in my dreams. My thoughts daily consist of you. My heart beats for you. I am so grateful to have found, you.
I think back to all of the times throughout my life you were always there. A friend to confide in and someone to vent to. Your complements at times were the best part of my day. I felt you could understand on another level more than anyone else could. We had a wonderful friendship and I sought your opinion often. I was cautious to not let you get too close to my heart. Picking and choosing words carefully. Delicately dancing around the obvious.
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Divorce
I feel like when anyone hears the word divorce they have a preconceived notion in their mind. I know I did. I can remember a few years back hearing of a couple divorcing and together they had two small children. I remember thinking how awful that must be for their kids and how I would do anything to save my marriage before deciding to divorce. Now going through the divorce process myself I have news for everyone who has those preconceived notions...only the two people in the marriage know exactly what went on in the marriage.
I was so worried in the beginning of my divorce process what everyone else would think. I was worried about telling my grandparents, my family, my friends. It took me months to confide in our church Pastor because I was afraid of what he would say. I had enough on my plate to worry about, I shouldn't of had to worry about being judged too.
Getting a divorce doesn't mean you gave up on your marriage. My ex tried playing that game. He said I was giving up on us and this is what I wanted.
From the beginning I made many mistakes continuing to stay with a man who I wasn't deeply in love with and knew in my heart I wasn't happy. I chose to stay when I should have ended our relationship a long time ago but I didn't go into our marriage asking for what came out of it.
I didn't give up on our marriage, instead I decided to, for once in my life, love myself first and make a decision that was in the best interest of myself and my son.
Forever is a long time to be unhappy. It is a long time to put up with abuse, whether it is emotionally or physically. In my head I wrestled over and over again thinking if I loved my ex husband enough I would be able to accept how things were. I mistakenly thought unconditional love meant no matter what my ex husband did I would love him anyway.
That's not unconditional love. God does not want someone to stay in an abusive marriage and to love them anyway because that is the "Christian" thing to do. Marriage is very much conditional. It is two people who are in agreement to meet each others needs and treat each other respectfully. Marriage is devoting yourself to one another and working daily to keep the relationship the biggest priority in your life. Your spouse is your partner. The relationship is suppose to be sacred and valued. A marriage consists of two people coming together to work through life's obstacles.
My divorce is allowing myself the opportunity to be with a husband who will love me the way God intends me to be loved. I am now capable of someday having a true marriage.
Divorce is certainly not an end, for me...it's the beginning of a new chapter. It's a second chance. I know I deserve a second chance. I know as my son's mother, he deserves to grow up seeing his mommy in a healthy relationship.
I was so worried in the beginning of my divorce process what everyone else would think. I was worried about telling my grandparents, my family, my friends. It took me months to confide in our church Pastor because I was afraid of what he would say. I had enough on my plate to worry about, I shouldn't of had to worry about being judged too.
Getting a divorce doesn't mean you gave up on your marriage. My ex tried playing that game. He said I was giving up on us and this is what I wanted.
From the beginning I made many mistakes continuing to stay with a man who I wasn't deeply in love with and knew in my heart I wasn't happy. I chose to stay when I should have ended our relationship a long time ago but I didn't go into our marriage asking for what came out of it.
I didn't give up on our marriage, instead I decided to, for once in my life, love myself first and make a decision that was in the best interest of myself and my son.
Forever is a long time to be unhappy. It is a long time to put up with abuse, whether it is emotionally or physically. In my head I wrestled over and over again thinking if I loved my ex husband enough I would be able to accept how things were. I mistakenly thought unconditional love meant no matter what my ex husband did I would love him anyway.
That's not unconditional love. God does not want someone to stay in an abusive marriage and to love them anyway because that is the "Christian" thing to do. Marriage is very much conditional. It is two people who are in agreement to meet each others needs and treat each other respectfully. Marriage is devoting yourself to one another and working daily to keep the relationship the biggest priority in your life. Your spouse is your partner. The relationship is suppose to be sacred and valued. A marriage consists of two people coming together to work through life's obstacles.
My divorce is allowing myself the opportunity to be with a husband who will love me the way God intends me to be loved. I am now capable of someday having a true marriage.
Divorce is certainly not an end, for me...it's the beginning of a new chapter. It's a second chance. I know I deserve a second chance. I know as my son's mother, he deserves to grow up seeing his mommy in a healthy relationship.
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