What do you want?
A question I have rarely asked myself and now find myself searching for the answer. For years I have lived a life that solely revolved around the wants and needs of other people. Whether it be my ex-husband, family member or friend; I focused on meeting their wants. I think in a way it's always been easier to meet other people's needs then to meet my own. If I focused on other people it would take away from myself and then I wouldn't have to answer the question.
25 years old and there are days I struggle with, "What do you want?" I know I want my career in the chosen profession I have pursued but what do I want now that I have been licensed for 3 years...I don't know. It has always been my goal to someday take over the "family business" and run Fullerton Funeral Home myself. As I reflect on that goal there is a lot of fear that runs through my body. I wonder if I would make it. I wonder if that's the person I am cut out to be. I wonder if I can live and breathe in this place everyday and somehow still manage to be sane.
I wanted a family and in ways I have exactly that. I have my beautiful son who holds every single piece of me. We are a family but not in the traditional sense. It has taken time to let go of the family structure I wanted. The one I've never had but still hope to.
I want a home. In ways I have that too. My son and I have lived in a rental house for almost a year but it doesn't feel like mine. It's a house but not a home. The walls are bare and when I look around it feels empty. Even with all the toys and "things," it's not what I wanted. I think maybe now I should allow myself to be able to make it a home.
I want a closer relationship with God. Although I avoid him at times. Not because I want to, because I can't help but still be angry at him. Even though some of the choices I made weren't his fault, I just don't understand. I have given away so much of my heart and God knew that I deserved something good. God knows it now. I haven't given up but it's just not fair sometimes. I am trying to forgive him as I am trying to forgive myself.
I want to be healthy. Healthy enough that running after my son doesn't cause me complete exhaustion. I am working on this too. It has taken a lot of time. I don't like the time it has taken. I feel like a failure certain days because I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself. This person on the outside isn't who I am. It's difficult. I know it doesn't make me any less beautiful but it has made me lose identity within myself.
I want to be loved by someone as much as I love them. I don't feel in my soul I have truly reached this. I feel in love but I still in ways find myself compromising. Making excuses. Giving a little more than receiving. I don't think love is always 50/50 but I find myself hanging in the balance wondering when I will feel as if my love has been reciprocated the way it should be. Maybe that's what I question the most is if that's even possible. It's not fair for me to give and feel resentful when I realize I've given too much. I often wonder why I continue to give so much. I would be better off if I saved some love for myself too. If I didn't wrap it nice and neatly into a little box. So I will work on that too, keeping some for myself.
I want friends. An intercircle of people who would be there at a drop of a hat. After years of isolating myself I'm not sure how to make this possible again. It's not that I have zero friends but I don't have what I know I am capable of. I would say it's been at least 10 years. I shut people out. Put up a great big wall of China because the less people that are close to me the better...in my thinking. Building walls has just made me feel more alone. I want to work on being a better friend.
And I don't know what else I want. I really don't. Everyone says they want to be happy. If happy were a place I would love to stay there constantly but I think it's a state of mind. A state of mind I am working towards achieving. Again there are days my depression and anxiety take over. I never realized how badly both consumed me. I would rather burying it deep but somehow it always resurfaces. The only way to deal with it is reaching the core. In ways I have done that. I have reflected on my life and dug deep. Being more aware of my emotions and surroundings...being more self-aware. Happiness, I'm still working on too.
In a way it's liberating knowing that I am in control of what I want. In other ways it's terrifying. I am still learning. Learning how to be independent and think for myself. Learning how to listen to my gut instinct and the voice inside my head. It was once a small and timid girl. She is becoming braver, stronger and more outspoken. She is kind but no longer a doormat. She is changing and therefore something worthwhile is happening...even if it takes time.
