Gaining my Identity

What do you want?

A question I have rarely asked myself and now find myself searching for the answer.  For years I have lived a life that solely revolved around the wants and needs of other people.  Whether it be my ex-husband, family member or friend; I focused on meeting their wants.  I think in a way it's always been easier to meet other people's needs then to meet my own.  If I focused on other people it would take away from myself and then I wouldn't have to answer the question.

25 years old and there are days I struggle with, "What do you want?"  I know I want my career in the chosen profession I have pursued but what do I want now that I have been licensed for 3 years...I don't know.  It has always been my goal to someday take over the "family business" and run Fullerton Funeral Home myself.  As I reflect on that goal there is a lot of fear that runs through my body.  I wonder if I would make it.  I wonder if that's the person I am cut out to be.  I wonder if I can live and breathe in this place everyday and somehow still manage to be sane. 

I wanted a family and in ways I have exactly that.  I have my beautiful son who holds every single piece of me.  We are a family but not in the traditional sense.  It has taken time to let go of the family structure I wanted.  The one I've never had but still hope to. 

I want a home.  In ways I have that too.  My son and I have lived in a rental house for almost a year but it doesn't feel like mine.  It's a house but not a home.  The walls are bare and when I look around it feels empty.  Even with all the toys and "things," it's not what I wanted.  I think maybe now I should allow myself to be able to make it a home.

I want a closer relationship with God.  Although I avoid him at times.  Not because I want to, because I can't help but still be angry at him.  Even though some of the choices I made weren't his fault, I just don't understand.  I have given away so much of my heart and God knew that I deserved something good.  God knows it now.  I haven't given up but it's just not fair sometimes.  I am trying to forgive him as I am trying to forgive myself.

I want to be healthy.  Healthy enough that running after my son doesn't cause me complete exhaustion.  I am working on this too.  It has taken a lot of time.  I don't like the time it has taken.  I feel like a failure certain days because I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself.  This person on the outside isn't who I am.  It's difficult.  I know it doesn't make me any less beautiful but it has made me lose identity within myself.

I want to be loved by someone as much as I love them.  I don't feel in my soul I have truly reached this.  I feel in love but I still in ways find myself compromising.  Making excuses.  Giving a little more than receiving.  I don't think love is always 50/50 but I find myself hanging in the balance wondering when I will feel as if my love has been reciprocated the way it should be.  Maybe that's what I question the most is if that's even possible.  It's not fair for me to give and feel resentful when I realize I've given too much.  I often wonder why I continue to give so much.  I would be better off if I saved some love for myself too.  If I didn't wrap it nice and neatly into a little box.  So I will work on that too, keeping some for myself.

I want friends.  An intercircle of people who would be there at a drop of a hat.  After years of isolating myself I'm not sure how to make this possible again.  It's not that I have zero friends but I don't have what I know I am capable of.  I would say it's been at least 10 years.  I shut people out.  Put up a great big wall of China because the less people that are close to me the better...in my thinking.  Building walls has just made me feel more alone.  I want to work on being a better friend.

And I don't know what else I want.  I really don't.  Everyone says they want to be happy.  If happy were a place I would love to stay there constantly but I think it's a state of mind.  A state of mind I am working towards achieving.  Again there are days my depression and anxiety take over.  I never realized how badly both consumed me.  I would rather burying it deep but somehow it always resurfaces.  The only way to deal with it is reaching the core.  In ways I have done that.  I have reflected on my life and dug deep.  Being more aware of my emotions and surroundings...being more self-aware.  Happiness, I'm still working on too.

In a way it's liberating knowing that I am in control of what I want.  In other ways it's terrifying.  I am still learning.  Learning how to be independent and think for myself.  Learning how to listen to my gut instinct and the voice inside my head.  It was once a small and timid girl.  She is becoming braver, stronger and more outspoken.  She is kind but no longer a doormat.  She is changing and therefore something worthwhile is happening...even if it takes time.