I didn't talk to anyone about all of the problems in my life. Mostly because there was a voice in my head that said, "Alyssa it isn't that bad." Now I've learned telling myself it wasn't that bad was my way of coping with the reality.
My ex husband was an alcoholic. He still is an alcoholic because he has never in his life dealt with his drinking addiction or drug addiction.
Over and over again I would make excuses for his drinking. I thought, "Well he only gets drunk on the weekends." I thought, "He's just stressed and had a few too many." I thought, "Once our son is here he will be spending time with us and won't want to drink."
I thought wrong. I even believed his lies. I believed him when he said, "I won't drink anymore." I believed him when he said, "I only get drunk on liquor, I will stick to beer." I believed him when he said, "I'm just going to have one."
My ex chose alcohol over his wife and after Gunner was born he chose alcohol over his son.
When I was 33 weeks pregnant my ex was on a "camping trip," with his buddies. He was so intoxicated the whole weekend he began punching vehicles and carrying out a violent rage. His friend and family couldn't control him. Yes his family, his family WAS THERE. His dad and his sister sat back and watched as his pregnant wife tried to take control, but my ex was absolutely out of it. I have never seen someone so drunk.
He was going to stop drinking after that The camping trip was the last straw. He saw at that time he really had a problem. Oh yeah, let me tell you...he was really going to change now. Not to mention this was after NUMEROUS weekends of him binge drinking and becoming so intoxicated he passed out anywhere. He puked all over our bedding and always left me to clean up his mess. I put up with it over and over again.
His friends and FAMILY insisted, "it would get better." They surely thought he would be such a wonderful dad. My ex was such a great dad he left one week after Gunner was born to go to the bar at 10 am and sat and drank all day. He was such a great dad that on New Years Eve he embarrassed me in front of my parents and little sister by being drunk and hostile.
The best part about New Years Eve was when he kept saying, "Fuck my wife." I laid in bed and cried.
I can't even count the number of times I cried, so many. My mom somewhat knew what was going on but I never detailed the extent of how bad things were. I wanted a happy family. I wanted my life to be perfect. I wanted it so bad and I was convinced in my head that everyone has issues and my marriage "wasn't that bad."
Who am I kidding? It was fucking MISERABLE. I was so unhappy and sick of dealing with a man who had absolutely no regards for my feelings.
On February 27, 2015 my ex husband in a drunken rage threatened to kill me. He said specifically, "I'm going to shoot you." At the time there were approximately 21 different guns in our house.
My ex has told people I just left him for no reason. No, I left to protect my son and save our lives. I left because that night I thought I was going to die and all I kept thinking was this is it, he's going to kill me right now and wake up and not even remember doing it and I will never see my son grow up.
So for those of you who are in a relationship where you have to justify their behavior on a daily basis. If you have over and over again thought to yourself, "it's not that bad," "he will change," "things will get better..."
GET OUT. Get out now and don't ever look back. My ex never took responsibility for his actions. He doesn't think he EVER had a drinking problem or needed help. Now he is complete denial of everything and has even stated that he never threatened me.
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