I can't remember specifically at what age I realized I was different than other kids my age. I think for the longest time I just always knew. I was born in October of 1990 to my parents who were both young and still trying to find their place in this world. Six weeks after my sister was born my mom left my biological father and started a life with just her and us (two girls). By age 5 my mom had met someone new and I had another sister. My mom and step-dad got married and we moved into a nice home which included cable television, which I was excited about.
Fast forward to age 13 and I had the maturity level of a 20 something year old. I was the oldest of 6 kids and helped raise my siblings between my mom working two jobs and my step-dad driving truck on the road. My weekends didn't consist of the typical football games and slumber parties. We didn't have much but we always had what we needed to get by.
I guess with the bills piling up and my step-dad gone on the road my mom turned to someone else for comfort. Over the next year there was a new "friend" in the picture but I didn't at the time comprehend how much my life would change.
I was a freshman in high school with all of the potential in the world as a 4.0 student just waiting to seize any opportunity. I felt like so much at once came crashing down when within a short period of time my mom and step-dad told us kids they were getting a divorce and we moved into a rental home. My mom's friend was now her boyfriend and I became the second parent now more than ever.
It was difficult. My brother was 2 and my youngest sister 1. It was a crowded house. Mom was again working two jobs and I was trying to keep our family household together. I don't hold any resentment for her being gone as much as she was. I wish I could have been gone too, anywhere but at home.
I just wanted so badly for my life to be normal. The older I became the less I recognized what normal really was. I had an ideal picture in mind, but I think part of becoming an adult is realizing that your parents are flawed. Your parents are not perfect people and sometimes they make bad choices.
I wish I could go back and tell my adolescent self that my parents choices weren't my fault. I know they did the best they could. My parents aren't perfect people. No one is.
It wasn't until this year that I have began to realize how much my childhood has affected me. I wouldn't go back and change anything, because my life has made me who I am. It just took me a long time to realize why I have made some of the choices in my life that I made.
I was forced into a caretaker role at a young age and it continued on throughout my adulthood. I chose relationships and friendships based on wanting to be a caretaker. I wanted that person to need me, I wanted them to need me to fix themselves.
I have always been a people pleaser. Seeking out situations where I can be perfect in someone else's mind by meeting their needs. The problem with living your life trying to please other people is you forget about yourself. I have been so consumed with wanting to be good enough, wanting to be worthy, wanting to be loved that I had forgotten that I am worthy without any doing-I am worthy as I am.
Seems like such an easy concept for most people to grasp but for myself it has taken the longest time to understand. I can remember when my parents both worked during the summer months and it was my responsibility to take care of my four siblings while they were gone and the household. I would frantically try keeping up with the cleaning, laundry, cooking lunch, etc. I just always wanted the house to be perfect and spotless when my mom walked in the door. I had such high expectations of myself but also my parents did of me. I don't think it's a bad thing that they wanted me to succeed, to be successful, to go further in life then they did. There is just so much over the years I have internalized and feelings I never let myself deal with because I didn't want to go there.
I have come to accept that it is not my responsibility to take on the weight of the world. I am not accountable for my family or my friends. It is not my job to keep things perfect or bare others burdens. What a freeing feeling it is to finally recognize I do not need to fix anyone or be responsible for others choices.
I am an adult now, no longer a child wanting to seek approval from her parents or anyone else. I am for once in my life letting go of everything that has anchored me down for far too long.
I am free.
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