Toxic Relationships

In an earlier post I touched on how throughout my life I have sought out toxic relationships whether that be with a boyfriend or friend.  I can think back to many friendships I've had where I was the person keeping my "friend" afloat.  Right after high school I had two jobs and made a decent amount of money for an 18 year old.  I would generously buy things for my friends and often times was volunteered to be the person driving on out of town road trips.  I found myself paying for food, drinks, gas, etc.  Lots of friends took advantage of my "kindness," again another situation in which I only saw myself valuable for what I could offer rather than just being worthy of a decent friendship in general.

As far as boyfriends go they were all the same.  Unmotivated, lazy, uneducated, job-less, car-less, and addicted to drugs or alcohol.  Why did I choose these types of relationships?  Why did I subject myself to that type of treatment?

Because it is what I knew.  I grew up in chaos.  I grew up seeing toxic relationships and my parents abusing alcohol.  For some reason again, I thought it is what I deserved.  I didn't think I was loveable.  I think in ways I even sought out romantic relationships where the person wasn't even capable of love.  You know why?  Because that's all I wanted my whole life and I was repeating the same pattern over and over again.  My biological dad didn't love me and I couldn't "win" him over into being the father and man I needed him to be in my life.  So I chose "boys," who had no interest in loving me, so that I could "win" them over.

Sounds insane.  Pathetic.  It is.

There are no words to describe those choices I made.  I deserve better.  I know that now, but I didn't then.

The worst relationship choice I could of ever made was to marry a person who wasn't capable of loving me the way I needed to be loved.  He wasn't capable of treating me the way I deserve to be treated.

I look back now and see all of the red flags and warning signs.  For everything bad that occurred I justified it in my mind.  I can remember so many nights my ex was out of control and would wake up the next morning as if nothing happened.  I was silent.  Inside I was fuming.  He never apologized, he never took responsibility for his actions, and most of all, he never changed.

People who are toxic don't change.  Toxic people suck the life out of you.  They leave you bone dry and broken.  My ex damaged me.  He brought me to the darkest place I have ever known.  I hate him for that.  I hate him for all the times I gave and gave and gave and he loathed in all I had to give.  He took advantage of my big heart.

I can remember a conversation I had with my consoler who listened as I told him the story of the last few years of my life.  I cried and told him that I felt so stupid for continually being made a fool over and over again.  I felt so stupid for the choices I had made.  I said I felt like having such a big heart was my biggest downfall, that in a way it was my greatest weakness.

He looked at me and said, "Alyssa, more people in this world need to have big hearts like you."

I won't ever forget that.